Monday, April 1, 2013



We're home!

And I'm exhausted.

both physically and emotionally.

While I'm glad we went,

and gave Babycakes a chance to see them all,

and them to see him, 

I'm still ambivalent about the whole thing.

Flying with a baby is exhausting!

And visiting Mama E is exhausting too.

But seeing Babycakes play with Big Brother

was wonderful!

Babycakes was completely delighted in him,

although Big Brother was very jealous whenever any of us played with the babies,

they still had SO much fun together.

Seeing the realities of Baby J's life was, frankly, depressing.

Whenever I think about the things he will miss out on,

I want to cry.

I'm not talking the extras in life, like piano lessons, gymnastics, etc.

I mean the very basics.

I try to push those thoughts away,

because he's not my son,  not my responsibility, not my business,

but the lingering feelings I have for him make that a hard thing to do.

I hope that, someday, I can look back on all that's happened and know why.

Why things had to go this way,

what we're supposed to do next,

and how we keep this relationship open

without it being quite so hard!

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